An Incomplete List of Lessons That Poly/ENM Has Taught Me
Lessons I've learned while on my polyamorous journey. TL;DR: it's a lot of work, and it's def not for everyone.
It has been some 2.5 years that I’ve been actively practicing ethical non-monogamy + polyamory. The journey has been extremely, intimately enlightening and transformative, so I’d like to muse a bit about what that’s been like.
Let’s go way back. How did I even become poly? As with most cases, I didn't start that way.
I was raised Christian-Baptist in a conservative household, very sheltered and unaware about a great many things, like credit card scores and multi-partner relationship structures. Going to a liberal arts college in my funky little city in Richmond, VA, brought about some much needed perspective, and a massive metamorphosis of ideals and opinions took root. It was around this time period that I found myself single, and only experienced with mostly hetero, monogamous relationships. I was familiar with swinging (which is a form of ENM, though not all ENM people are swingers), and had a vague idea about open relationships (if you want to know more about the difference in terms, this Lifehacker article is a pretty decent read). It was also during this time that I was getting my feet wet with dating apps like OK Cupid, and matched with a guy (whose name I’ve since blanked on, but we’ll call him John) who told me that he was polyamorous. I was a little unsure of how I felt about this relationship style, but I was mostly very curious. I asked some questions and saw him a time or two, but I soon after entered another monogamous relationship with another partner, so John and I agreed to amicably end things there (on hindsight, I wish that I had tried to retain something platonically, but I wasn’t yet familiar with de-escalating relationships).
Anyway, life moved on, and years later, I found myself in a lovely marriage with my spouse/nesting partner (NP), Cas. From the very start of my relationship with Cas (we started dating in 2014 and have been married since 2016), we established that we were starting monogamously, but with the possibility that we might try polyamory down the line. We first wanted to really cement our foundation as a couple, and figure out what our wants and needs were. After a few years of connecting platonically with other poly/ENM persons, asking lots of questions + researching + having thorough discussions about expectations and boundaries, we were ready to dive in—but it was 2019, and COVID hit. Not exactly the safest time for being around anyone, much less going on dates and maybe playing tonsil hockey. We decided that dating apps were okay to use, and eventually, in-person hangs (so long as we took all social distancing precautions), but interactions with others mostly stayed through the apps and texting.
A couple years later, we “officially” became poly/ENM. We quickly found a local poly + kink Discord to join and started going to events, like munches and sloshes. I was deep into the dating world by this time, with all of it’s pro’s and con’s. I had one comet relationship, but it was not until the summer of 2023 when I got into my first committed partnership, outside of Cas. At this partner’s request, I won’t name names, but I will share that it’ll be two years for us this August!
And so, it’s through my continuing journey with poly/ENM that I have compiled the following take-away’s. Before I dive in, let me preface all of this with explaining a few things:
I’m not an expert, by any means. I don’t have any relevant certifications. I even still consider myself relatively new-ish to this lifestyle, so thoughts and opinions are just my own musings. This list is also not complete, since I’m very much still learning things.
Many of these lessons are totes possible to learn in monogamous relationships, and some of these lessons can extend to any type of relationship (romantic, platonic, other). But for the sake of staying on theme, I’ll mostly be focusing on poly/ENM dynamics.
I’ve noticed in past conversations that some people can get defensive of their relationship style, as if they fear I’m trying to “convert” them; I am not. I’m just sharing my own experience—however, if someone learns a new perspective, even better.
And so, without further ado…
An Incomplete List of Lessons That Poly/ENM Has Taught Me
Honesty and communication are everything: All types of relationships benefit from honesty and communication, but when you’re poly/ENM, you’ve got more than one partner that you need to vibe with. It requires a lot of time + patience + constant work. Prior to becoming poly/ENM, I considered myself to have decent communication skills, but those skills really improved after my lifestyle changed to poly/ENM. They kinda had to. I’m very much a person who values being on the same page with my partner(s) as much as possible, so maybe I sometimes tend to over-communicate…but then again, I’m not too sure if that’s possible, especially in this lifestyle.
Ask for what I want: I can’t expect my partner(s)—nor anyone, for that matter—to be a mind reader. It’s dangerous to assume anything. So, if I want something done or if I need something to be addressed, I need to do the addressing. Which can be hard, especially if I’m upset, but I learned to actively challenge myself to express my feelings as clearly, directly and as kindly as possible. That last part is important, so it’s getting its own bullet point.
Confrontation doesn’t always have to be confrontational: When feelings get hurt and/or some sort of conflict is at hand, it can be very hard to keep our tones and intentions in check. But prior to having some Big Talk with a partner, I try to consider: what do I want the end goal to be? I want to be heard and understood, sure, but I also want to arrive at a place of mutual understanding and respect. To do that, I try to really examine exactly why I’m upset, and then I use “I” statements, as calmly and as kindly as I can manage. I want to be direct, but not cruel, since cruelty will only exacerbate the situation. This often means that I need to take some time to myself, to really feel what I’m feeling and plan my words carefully, instead of jumping right in to a heavy conversation. Which reminds me…
Not every issue needs to be An Issue: Sometimes, people just aren’t always being their best selves, and squabbles happen. But, not every disagreement needs to involve a trial-and-jury seriousness. Yeah, we should speak up if we’re really feeling hurt or confused by something, but we don’t need to turn every moment of contention into A Thing, unless it genuinely seems like it might be A Thing. It’s okay to let things go, and to choose our battles.
They can say no: To dates, to requests, to intimacy, to whatever. My partners are autonomous. They are with me, but they are also their own people, with their own wants and needs. Those wants and needs may not always sync with mine, and that’s okay, so long as we communicate and try to find common ground. It’s not all about me. Let me repeat that.
It’s not all about me: I might be the main character in my own life, but I’m a side character in everyone else’s. I may express that I wish to be a priority if I’m not feeling like one, but there are going to be times when my partner(s) need to check out or focus on their own things. I realistically can’t be on their minds 24/7.
Jealousy is normal, but it’s all in how we handle it: Being poly/ENM definitely doesn’t mean there isn’t any jealousy. But jealousy is all about insecurity, so it’s on me to figure out what is making me feel insecure—and then calmly communicate that with the appropriate partner. My partner(s) will hopefully help me work through negative feelings and adjust any contributing factors that they can fairly control to help alleviate things, but I do need to take ownership of my own feelings.
Not everyone experiences poly/ENM the same way: Just like how no two people are the same, not all poly/ENM dynamics are the same, since there are various poly relationship models. Some partners live together as nesting partners, where they may share a bedroom or have their own rooms. Some practice solo polyamory. Some have hierarchies, and some prefer no hierarchies. Some prefer parallel or kitchen table or garden party styles. There’s no “right” way to practice poly, though there certainly are unhealthy ways—which are usually the products of dishonesty and bad communication.
Be smart: Hi, have you met people? They’re really complicated, and can also be sketchy. I’ve learned never to rush things, to always do my best to vet any person that I could have any kind of potential dynamic with, and to keep an eye out for red flags. I make two things clear to any new beaus that wish to meet up: 1) I don’t sleep with anyone on the first date; first dates are just to see how we mesh in person, and I need to build trust prior to doing anything sexual, and 2) we must meet in public. People have legitimately unmatched with me over both of those boundaries. I love when the garbage takes itself out.
Staying on top of my sexual health is super important: I have an IUD and always use condoms. I get tested frequently, and I expect the same of any of my sexual partners. I let new sexual partners know PRIOR to any sexual encounter what my expectations are, to see if we’re even sexually compatible. Boundaries need to be expressed early and as often as needed, and wants/need may change and evolve. And talk about what you like, dammit! If you like when your partner does that thing with their tongue, or if you want to know if they’ll be willing to try that one sex position, let them know.
Polyamory/ENM isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay: I don’t view monogamy as “bad,” okay? Societal expectations that everyone should be monogamous because that’s the only way, is bad. Monogamy is a valid relationship style, and it’s fair and reasonable that some people prefer to be monogamous. For where I was at one point of time, it was what I needed. But my life and circumstances have since changed, along with my views and preferences, my wants and needs, and my hair colors and favorite animal-or-other-fixation-of-the-week.
Aaand, that’s what I’ve got.
As mentioned, this list is incomplete, since there are lessons that I’m still learning, have yet to learn, or simply forgot to list (thanks to my my brain, which has more holes that Swiss cheese).
Thanks for sticking with me this long. I’d love to hear what lessons fellow poly/ENM folx have learned, so feel free to comment!
