An Incomplete List of Things That Kinda Suck About Being Poly/ENM
It ain't all sunshine and roses.
I adore being polyamorous + ENM. I really do. This lifestyle has taught me so much (and I’m still learning). I am comfortable and confident in a way that I have never felt before. All of my relationships (romantic, platonic and other) have deepened, as my understanding of the complexities of various dynamics has expanded. My coping skills have strengthened, my patience has increased, and my love knows no bounds. This world is a dumpster fire, but my well-being is flourishing—and I largely attribute that to my lifestyle choices. No, it’s not a cure-all, and it’s also not for everyone. But it works for me, and I am so, so glad that I’m on this journey.
However.
It also means my life is now a bit more complicated. While I’m happy, there are no rose-colored glasses. By signing on to be poly/ENM, there’s more to think about, more at stake, more ways to get hurt. All of the pro’s come with their own set of con’s. Below are just of a few that I have experienced.
An Incomplete List of Things That Kinda Suck About Being Polyamory/ENM
The stigma/judgement is very real: As stated, polyamory/ENM isn’t for everyone; monogamy is a fair and valid lifestyle choice. What isn’t fair nor valid is the expectation that monogamy is the only way for romantic relationships to work. I am not “out” to my mom about this huge part of me, because she unfortunately is extremely conservative and pretty traditional. I genuinely don’t think she would understand nor accept this part of me, so I’m steering clear. (I’m well aware that she may find out, eventually, and such is the risk of having any sort of online presence…but I’ll cross that bridge if/when I get to it.) Outside of my mom, I am fortunate that no one has openly tried to shame me, but at the risk of sounding paranoid, I know that there’s some judgement out there. And that’s okay. No one has to agree with how I’m living my own life, so long as they keep their comments to themselves. And who knows if society will ever truly accept polyamory/ENM, though it would be lovely if people could legally marry more than one person, so that all involved partners can have the same rights and protections.
It’s literally more work: It takes considerable time, effort and emotional availability to have a single partner. Additional partners mean additional time, effort and emotional availability. Being poly/ENM requires considerable bandwidth, and frankly, not everyone has that. I try to make daily efforts to prioritize and maintain each of my relationships, though I don’t always succeed. I’m also not always in a place to give each of my partners what they need all of the time. But, I do try to put in the work, to make sure each partner feels loved and valued. Additionally, I make a point to get tested either every 6 months or after a new sexual partner, to keep everyone safe.
I’m usually missing someone: I’m admittedly a clingy person with codependency issues (thanks, childhood trauma!), but I also don’t think it’s weird to miss our loved ones when they’re not present, particularly if it’s been a few days since seeing them. I live with my spouse/nesting partner (NP), whom I get to see almost every day, and I love that. I also have a boyfriend that I don’t live with; I typically get to see him twice a week. I enjoy my dynamics with both of my partners, and I’m very grateful for them as individuals. Still, there are weeks when I don’t get to see my boyfriend, or days/nights when I’m away from my NP, so I usually end up missing at least one of my partners at some point. And that’s fine and even healthy, since distance makes the heart grow fonder and all of that, but I still notice that distance. Though there are beautiful moments when I get to be with both of my partners; they’re rare, but so special to me.
I rely more on my phone: Even prior to being poly/ENM, my phone was rarely far from me. But now that I need to schedule different date days and plans with two partners (and the occasional FWB or new interest), my dependency on my phone has deepened. I also begin to feel a little insecure if I don’t swap a couple of daily texts with my boyfriend and/or any other romantic interest, but I know that’s more of a “me” thing than a poly/ENM thing. I like attention. But I have to be mindful that no one owes me that attention. Which leads me to…
Different communication/texting styles can be difficult to navigate: This is a reoccurring challenge that I face, and I often have to adjust my expectations accordingly. Piggybacking off of the above point, I’m fairly attached to my phone and am usually fairly quick to respond to texts, but it’s unfair for me to expect every other person to do the same. Flipside, it hurts to be left on read for long periods of time, particularly if the last thing I texted was a question, or something vulnerable. However, this is just something that has to be worked on. If I’m truly feeling hurt or ignored, I do my best to communicate that, but it’s likely something that I’ll always struggle with, to some degree.
Dealing with the negative aspects of dating: I’ve talked before about how I actually love dating, but it certainly comes with its own set of issues. There’s the liars, the cheaters (yes, even poly/ENM/open relationship peeps can cheat), the bad actors who have no sense of accountability or common sense or social skills. There’s the ghosters, the grifters, and non-consentual gropers. The dating pool also gets a bit saturated with other poly people, particularly in smaller cities, and entanglements and personal connections can get complicated. Potential partners are additionally narrowed because not everyone is down with poly/ENM. And then, there’s the feelings.
There’s more feelings and thoughts (like, lots more): Crushes! Jealousy! Insecurity! LOVE! The internal drama is very real, and it can be all-consuming. At least, that’s my experience, as an expert in Feeling Things (TM). I’m forever Feeling Things (TM), and I often cry about them. Good feelings, bad feelings, doesn’t matter. The stronger I feel, the more I cry. It’s honestly pretty annoying, but I’ve accepted my role as a cryer. Anyway, there’s always plenty of things for me to think about and try to compartmentalize. Therapy helps (I’m very lucky that I found a poly-knowledgeable therapist, since that’s not super common). Communication helps. Journaling/blogging helps. But sometimes, I can only feel the feelings, and try to work through them without getting too overwhelmed.
It can be harder to be spontaneous: It’s a little easier for me to be spontaneous with my NP, since we share a residence and similar schedule. But it’s much more difficult to randomly go on an outing with my boyfriend, or another person, since it all depends on scheduling. I always joke with my friends about how hard it is to plan platonic meet-up’s , and my experience is that it’s pretty similar with partners (particularly if they have their own spouses/NP’s and/or kids). We’re all just trying to vibe and keep up with our own responsibilities, as best as we can.
Even with the extra work, the extra feelings, and the extra extra-ness of the poly/ENM lifestyle, I find it all wonderfully worthwhile. It’s definitely not always easy, but in relation to my relationships, I feel content and fulfilled. I don’t like to say “never” to most things, but I feel like I’ll never go back to monogamy. It just doesn’t align with who I am anymore, and that’s okay.
As always, I would be interested in hearing your thoughts/concerns/experiences, particularly if you are also poly/ENM!