An Incomplete List of Tips For Dating That You Can Follow Or Ignore
Advice about dating that you can take or leave. I'm not an expert, I'm just bored.
A humble collection of the various dating apps that I use.
I love dating. I genuinely enjoy it. The little thrill of matching with someone on an app, the first interaction, the getting-to-know-you’s and the chemistry—it can be intoxicating. But it can also be confusing, redundant, and downright bizarre.
For example: A guy that stopped talking to me a month ago had recently texted me with an assumably copy-pasted mass text message that asked me to donate to his GoFundMe, since he was working on his mental health journey via skydiving. This was maybe an opportunity for me to discuss the benefits of talk therapy, but also, what was the point? This individual didn’t try to stay in touch with me (and yes, I tried on my end), but he did think it appropriate to proposition me for money for what is ultimately an adrenaline-based hobby. To each their own on the path of life and healing, but I did think his action was a bit weird and out-of-the-blue. I wish him well, but no, thanks.
My favorite dating app story comes from one of my first interactions with Tinder, which arguably has the most “Wild West” vibes out of the other dating apps (though I hear Grindr gives it a run for its money). This story is more of an example of my own ditziness and less of a cautionary tale. After matching with a a guy and swapping some banter, he told me that he wanted to take me “to Pound Town.” I asked him if Pound Town was the name of a cake shop (because pound cake), though I wasn’t being obtuse, just very naive. Pound Town is not, in fact, a cake shop. (This particular interaction didn’t progress beyond that point. Guess thembo’s aren’t his thing, and that’s okay.)
Then there was the guy who kept bugging me to send foot pictures. And the guy who unmatched with me because I wasn’t comfortable meeting him for the very first time at his apartment. And the guys (plural) who ghosted me, even after making plans to meet. (Ghosting happens a lot. More on that later.)
Anyway, this got me thinking today about how I hear a lot of complaints—mostly, from guys, in my personal experience—about how hard it is to date.
First, yes, it is genuinely challenging and complicated, based on many factors—such as personal preferences, communication styles, expectations, compatibility, etc. But there does also need to be an element of accountability. Like, what are you doing when trying to build a connection? What are you not doing? Are you adjusting your behavior and expectations accordingly, when something does or doesn't work out? Or are you just passively scrolling and swiping and getting pissy when minimum efforts get minimum results?
So, for the sheer fun of it, I’m compiling a list of some dating insights and tips that I have gained during my time in the field. Now, I don’t consider myself an expert in, like, anything (though I could go on many special interest rants). Views are based on my own experiences and opinions. And some of these points might mirror what I wrote in a former post about lessons learned from being poly/ENM, but they’re worth repeating.
Here we go.
An Incomplete List of Tips For Dating That You Can Follow Or Ignore
Put some effort into your dating profiles: Seriously. I’m not saying write a biopic, but you’re advertising yourself, so act accordingly. Some profiles I see have virtually nothing (sometimes, not even a visual aid). You’ll need pictures of yourself + some sort of bio, with some other info listed (age, sexuality, pronouns, etc), at a minimum. You can say as little or as much as the word count will allow, let your personality shine through. I like to be direct about a few things that are important to know about me, like that I’m late 30’s/queer/AFAB/nonbinary/pansexual/ENM + poly and partnered, with some fun facts, and what I’m looking for (or not looking for). True, not everyone will read the profile, but let the people know what they should know prior to talking you up. Now is your time to catch someone’s eye, so have fun with it.
Know what you’re look for, and be honest about it: Ideally, figure this out prior to making a dating profile, because that’s just going to be helpful for you. Do you want a long-term relationship? Are you interested only in short-term interactions? Are you not interested in sex, but want non-sexual companionship? Even if you’re not sure, say it—“I’m not sure what I’m looking for at this moment.” Again, not everyone will read the profile, but it could only help you find what works for you.
Use clear, current pictures of yourself: I’ve seen people post pictures of their food, their cars, their favorite memes, but nothing of what they actually look like. I’ve also seen people (mostly men) post weird close-up pics of them wearing only sunglasses and hats, so parts of their face are obscured. I like to include clear pictures that are recent (within the least year or so) of both my face and at least one full-body shot—I’m advertising myself, so I may as well make it obvious about what to expect. I’ve met with someone who looked very little like their profile picture, and it was pretty jarring (my guess is that the pictures were pretty old; hence, why current pics are best). And some may not agree with this, but I also try to include pictures of only myself, unless I have the consent of anyone else in the picture; this dating app is about me, so I make that the sole focus. And pleasepleaseplease think twice about posting pictures of kids! Yeah, people should know if you’re a parent or legal guardian because that’ll affect the relationship, but let’s be honest—there’s freaks out there (and not the good kind). At least consider blurring out the faces.
People aren’t sex objects, so don’t treat them like they are (unless that’s part of a pre-negotiated scene): “Hey dtf?” is common enough to receive on Tinder, because it’s Tinder, and the bar is on the floor, next to the drunk frat/fuckboys. Which is cool if that’s the way that you vibe, but that maybe won’t score you anything long-term or meaningful (assuming that’s what you’re after). Regardless of what you want out of dating, treat people with kindness and respect—really, in whatever you do, but now is the time to show your best self. Don’t be a creep with creepy expectations (no one owes you sex), and don’t come on too strongly too quickly. Take your time, check in, be decent. If you don’t know how to do this, then dating really isn’t for you.
Make communication a priority: Everyone has different communication styles, particularly when it comes to texting. But especially in the early stages of dating, it’s a good to be reasonably communicative. You don’t need to be glued to your phone (and it’s also helpful to let the other person know if you’re not super in to texting), but do your best to check in and respond to messages. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if they stop texting. People can’t know you’re interested if you’re not consistent with showing interest. On the flip side, keep your expectations reasonable, and try not to freak out if someone isn’t that quick about texting you back. No one owes you their time. If you’re feeling ignored, you can address that, but careful about projecting insecurities.
Be smart about the when’s and where’s about your first meet-up: Prior to meeting the person, I do like to lay some ground rules out for first dates, based on my own personal comfort:
1. There will be no sex. Maybe not even a kiss. First dates are my vibe checks, so nothing happens unless it feels right. Let me lead, or at least ask prior to attempting to do anything that involves touching me (yes, even hand-holding).
2. Whether it’s dinner or coffee or going for a walk, we will be meeting in a public place. You’re a stranger, so I’m treating you like one—and you should do the same. Safety first, always.
3. Doesn’t hurt letting a trusted source know where I’ll be and when I’m done, just in case. Again, there are bad people out there, so do your best to protect yourself.
Be mindful of their time: If y’all set a time and place to meet up, be there at that time and place. If you’re going to be late or something comes up, let them know as soon as possible. It doesn’t feel good to be left waiting or to be stood up. I prefer arriving early because I like to scope the place out + find a good parking space, but that’s just me.
Keep the focus on your date, not your phone—or exes (or current partners): Put the damn phone down, and focus on the person in front of you. It’s okay to check the time or share something with the other person, but your attention should predominantly be on the other person. It’s also a bit of a red flag to me if someone can’t stop talking about their exes or current partner(s). It’s one thing to drop a couple of comments, if they fit into the conversation, but quite another to let that be the conversation. It’s rude and weird.
Ghosting will happen: It’s unfortunate, but this will happen to most of us. People may ghost for a variety of reasons, like life getting busy, or feeling a incompatibility and/or they feel uncomfortable about something. It’s not great, and ideally, people would communicate instead of disappearing, but you can only control your own actions. If it’s been a couple of days since I’ve received a text or communication from someone I’m dating, I’ll typically send a check-in text or two, something simple like, “How’s it going?” or even as direct as, “Do you have any interest in meeting up again?” But if the silence continues, I take that as my cue to move on. No point in chasing someone who’s not interested enough to stay in touch. (I would try harder with an established relationship, obviously; this example is for newer connections only.)
If you’re not into someone, tell them (respectfully): This can be really challenging, and I personally believe this is one reason why ghosting is so common. But if you’re just not feeling it, suck it up and let the person know that you’re not interested in moving things forward. I usually say something along the lines of, “I appreciated getting to know you, but I do not feel a connection.” You can offer to remain friends, if that’s something that you want. Again, kindness and respect, along with honesty.
So, there you have it. 10 tips that could help you out. Or maybe not. You’re not obligated to try them, or even agree with them. But I’m always down for constructive conversation, so feel free to share your own insights and experiences!